Good morning.
- Watch your back. -All right. I see it.
Ma'am.
- This for the living room? -Yeah.
This is one of the nicest houses we've ever moved anyone like you into.
It's got gas heat, fully air-conditioned. Harvest Gold fixtures in the kitchen.
If you like that kind of thing. Some of the ladies do.
Linda. what do you think?
I always promised you a nice house somewhere in America.
Let's not get carried away. okay. Vinnie?
It's gonna be a lot easier if you two start calling each other Terry and Tod.
It's a nice house, Terry. Okay?
No. you're Terry and he's Tod.
Let's take a look inside.
Come on.
I'll need your Social Security number so I can process your payment.
- My what? -Your Social Security number...
...so we can pay you.
Two.
- One. -One.
- Five. -Five. Dash...?
- Six. -Six.
- Nine. -Nine. Dash...?
- Eight. -Eight.
- Two. -Two.
- One. -One.
Two. five.
Two...
That's one too many numbers.
Take off the five.
If you have any problems, call my office. They always know where I am.
Truth is I'm usually there.
We'll let you know when we're going to New York to testify.
Great. Great.
Thanks for everything.
You'll like it here. ma'am. It's a nice community.
- I'd live here myself if my wife-- -Didn't hate it, right?
- She'd hate it here. right? -No. no.
Take my word for it, she'd hate it.
She has to live near the center of town because of her work.
She works with athletes.
If you ever want tickets to a baseball game, call me.
Great. baseball.
Because the Padres play the Mets every so often.
But you're probably Yankees fans.
Most organized-crime people are.
I love the Yankees.
Linda loves the Yankees. So does Terry.
- Who's Terry? -You are.
Any questions. just give me a call.
Listen. thanks for everything. I really appreciate it.
This is my job. I get paid. You don't tip FBI men.
Sure. you do.
Yo. Frankie!
You think this guy is for"? Hey.
There's a 4:00 nonstop out of here.
You really going back to New York?
- You'll find another wife. -I know.
If I pulled out. you wouldn't have gotten the big house...
...or the extra allowance for the spouse.
Yeah. yeah. yeah.
Next time I see you, you'll be eating white bread. You'll probably even like it.
It's not bad with egg salad once you get used to it.
It's better than the slammer.
Yeah? Keep telling yourself that. sweetheart.
You might even believe it after a while.
And stay out of my purse while I'm on the phone.
- I wasn't in your purse. -Yes. you were!
You're always accusing me.
Put the Visa card back in my purse, Vinnie.
I'd like a cab. please. at-- What the frig is the address here?
How should I know? Number 1 Happy Street.
You know what the guy tried to do?
I have no idea. I haven't met a criminal in years.
He tried to tip me. Can you believe that?
- How much? -Hundred bucks.
- Hundred bucks? -That's not the point.
The point is he proffered a gratuity. It's against protocol.
- I can't accept that. -I know.
Not to mention he was insulting me.
- Task completed, Coopersmith? -Yes. sir.
This won't take a lot of time. The guy's living in the middle of nowhere.
Is there anything else I could take on in addition to my regular duties?
This is an extremely important government witness.
When he's delivered safely to his court appearances...
...then we'll talk about something else. Not before.
Very good. sir.
Back to the dangerous world of FHA fraud.
Oh. I don't want to fill out any more forms.
I want to go undercover.
I wanna stake out a real son of a bitch in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere...
...and eat a lot of takeout food. I want to wear a Windbreaker.
Once. when I was undercover. I got to drive a BMW.
I know.
I can't help it. It was the high point of my life.
I'm getting back into undercover work.
Forget it. It's against regulations. There's overtime involved.
You can't catch criminals in the FBI if there's overtime involved.
Something could change. Things change.
Yeah. right.
This is San Diego All Sports Radio. We're talking about last night's game.
Another heartbreaking loss by the home team.
The Pads, way ahead, lost in the 9th...
...when Wally Bunting walked in the winning run.
Fans, what are we gonna do about Wally Bunting?
Barney.
Wally.
Too bad. Could happen to anybody. right?
Yeah. I guess so.
Relief pitching. it's a high-risk occupation.
Anybody could blow a seven-run lead.
- Eight. -Whatever.
They're sending me down.
- To the minors? -Wichita.
I'm sorry. Wally. I'm gonna miss you.
Margaret will miss you too. I'm sure.
Well. therapists aren't supposed to say they'll miss their patients...
...so how do I know?
Boy. this is the second relief pitcher she's lost to the minors this season.
I'm going too. Barney.
Where?
To Wichita.
Why on earth would you go to Wichita?
How old are you?
Twenty-six.
Look. I'm sorry. Barney. but it's just no fun here. You're no fun.
What do you mean I'm no fun?
You change the oil on the second Tuesday...
...wash the car on the fourth Thursday.
You get your hair cut on the 11th of the month. Never a different haircut.
- Look at the way you eat pancakes. -What's wrong with that?
How does he eat pancakes?
He has a system for eating pancakes.
So that the bottom pancake gets as much syrup as the top one.
He has a system for everything.
Wally.
An error cost the Padres the game. The losing streak stands at four in a row.
KBAJ now ends its broadcast day.
The score again, L.A. 5, San Diego 3.
- Thank you very much. -You're welcome.
Have a nice day.
Good morning. sir. Would you like to try a vanilla-bran-oat crunchie?
What do you think?
Good morning. ma'am.
Have a nice day.
Fuck you!
That'll be $12.36.
Wow. a hundred!
Excuse me. Sir.
I hope you had a very pleasant shopping experience.
- Yeah. -Good.
Here's a form for our suggestion box.
Now. if there's anything you want that we don't have, you just let us know.
Arugula. I haven't had arugula in six weeks.
What's that?
It's a vegetable.
274 in headquarters. 274 to headquarters.
Male subject apprehended driving stolen green Chrysler.
Hey. Hannah. we've got a grand-theft auto just waiting for you.
- Let me at him. -Tell me when you're done with him.
He makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.
- The hairs on the back of your neck? -Yes.
That has never happened to me.
I have never been interested in anyone on any level unless I know. of course--
If he's a college graduate.
Yes. okay. That probably seems quite comical to you.
It's your life. Suit yourself.
I did. And look where it got me.
Tod Wilkinson. I'm Hannah Stubbs. I'm the assistant district attorney.
How you two girls doing?
What robbery? I borrowed a guy's car.
He gave you the keys. Is that correct?
He was supposed to leave the keys in the car.
- But he didn't. -Right.
If he had. I wouldn't have had to jump-start it.
How do you happen to know how to jump-start a car?
I learned it in the Army.
I was in the motor pool and everyone was always losing their keys.
The entire United States Army would not have moved had it not been for me.
And it came in handy on several occasions...
“jump-starting ambulances...
...in order to get invalids to the dialysis machines.
What was the name of...?
Okay. What was his name?
- Eddie. -Eddie what?
That's all I know. except he drives a blue Nova.
The car you were picked up in was a green Chrysler.
Well. that explains it.
I jump-started the wrong car.
I was in a hurry.
I was on my way to church...
...to say a few novenas for Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is not a Catholic holiday.
Thanksgiving is very big with the Italians.
Turkey cacciatore. sweet-potato parmigiana.
There is no such thing as Thanksgiving in Italy. It is an American holiday.
- And I've been to Italy. -To Florence. right?
Yes.
Ever been to Sicily. by any chance?
No.
Thanksgiving is very big in Sicily...
...on account of the large number of Sicilians who went to America...
...and then got thrown back out.
There were two cases of liquor in the back seat of that car.
- People drink too much. -Those two cases of liquor...
...were reported stolen from Kelly's Liquor on Fifth Street earlier today.
You're kidding me!
I accidentally borrowed the wrong car...
...of a guy who stole some liquor earlier today?
The car you stole...
...belongs to the Reverend Malcolm Dickenson.
He is the minister of the Presbyterian Church here in Fryburg.
Are you sure he's a minister?
One of my best friends makes his living as a completely phony minister.
For 2 bucks I can make you a minister.
Some guys steal your money. but these guys. they steal your heart.
Now? Can you see him? What's the license number?
Ma'am?
Oh. down the hall. one flight up to your left.
Call me Vinnie.
It says here your name is Tod.
Barney Coopersmith, FBI.
Hannah Stubbs of the district attorney's office.
What's going on?
You got a ring of phony ministers stealing liquor.
Make me a minister. I'll go undercover. infiltrate them. we'll nail--
Knock it off. What do you got?
Grand-theft auto, felony theft.
We gave you a car. What happened to it?
If I could remember. I wouldn't have borrowed one.
- We'll arraign him in the morning. -You're not.
We most certainly are.
This man is in the Federal Witness Program.
He's under the protection of the FBI.
- I'm the agent in charge. -What are you doing?
- Just looking. Cute kids. -Thank you.
- Baseball fans. I see. -Yes.
That's your husband?
Not anymore.
Come on. Vinnie. let's go.
You're a good-looking girl...
...except for those army shoes. No wonder he split.
Come on.
You ought to get yourself a pair of nice high heels.
Spectator pumps. I think they're called.
Where are you going?
This man is a member of an organized-crime family.
They put that stamp on everybody. It's a stereotype and I resent it.
He has to testify at two major mob trials in New York in the immediate future.
So therefore you are not going to arraign him for anything tomorrow.
Now. wait just a minute.
This is not a dumpsite for the toxic waste of criminal America.
That's my last mint.
Spit that out! Spit that out right this minute and return it to this woman.
Bring him back here!
Lady. this man is much more important than a few petty larcenies.
That's your opinion. You don't live here.
If I did. it would be a great comfort to know that a narrow-minded fanatic...
...was looking out for the welfare of the community.
Oh. really? Oh. really?
"Oh. really?“
You gotta do better than that. You'll lose the argument.
Stay out of it. Let me ask you something.
How long have you been in this job? Two weeks?
Go to hell!
Just go to hell!
- Way to go! -What if he promises not to do it again?
Do me a favor. tell this woman you won't do it again.
I didn't do anything in the first place. which is what I was trying to explain.
I am not happy about this.
Lady. this is Justice Department policy.
Well. they're wrong. They're wrong and I'm right!
Let me ask you something: Have you ever been wrong about anything?
Yes. Once.
The shoes. right?
The shoes are tragic.
Creep. Disgusting. revolting creep.
- I thought he was cute. -Not that one, the other one.
Listen carefully. Fluffy. because I'm only saying this once.
Tommie and I are going to Grandma's house for Thanksgiving with Dad.
Do you remember Dad?
Yeah. he used to live here.
We're gonna be back on Sunday night though.
Promise you won't flush him down the toilet?
- I can't promise anything. -Mom!
I promise.
- Come here. -You scared me.
So. what's up?
What are you doing today. Mom?
I'm working. so it's just as well you're going with your dad.
- Do you still love our dad? -No.
But I still love you.
"And your dad loves you and that's all that really matters.“
Hey! Everybody ready?
- Hi. Dad. -Hi.
- Now. go on. Have a good time. -Okay.
We'll talk about this when you get back Sunday.
- Bye. Mom. -Bye. Mom. Hi, Dad.
- Hi. Dad. -Let's go.
Love you. Mom.
Will?
I really don't think you should just walk in here like you still live here.
I'm supposed to ring the doorbell at my own house?
This is not your house anymore.
I may not live here. but it's still my house.
He made me drink.
I'm drinking in solitary.
Look at me.
I'm cleaning in solitary.
Of course. you always clean in solitary. There's nothing new in that.
But still. drinking. muttering to myself...
...compulsively scrubbing.
I don't like this. Kirby.
The guy's hanging around a bar. looking to buy stolen credit cards.
This could be a major criminal conspiracy.
- I don't know. -We go undercover.
We blow this thing right out of the water.
- Who made you undercover? -I did.
It doesn't work that way.
This is your big chance.
No good. They got a limit.
Not all of them.
- They might not be valid. -Oh. they're good.
I just got them out of the post office.
I work at the post office.
Sure. I don'! know your name though.
My name is Tod Wilkinson.
Mrs. Stubbs!
Hey. Mrs. Stubbs!
We got one. We got us a criminal.
No. we don't.
We got us a criminal we already had.
Mrs. Stubbs, as I live and breathe.
It's me. Vinnie.
I know who you are. I just met you.
Oh. darn it.
- Brand-new shoes. -No. these are old shoes.
It's a miracle they lasted as long as they did.
There could be a transfer of stolen goods taking place in front of our eyes.
- Don't be an idiot. -What is with you lately?
Look. I'll take care of this. Go home to your wife and family.
Hey. you can drive away. I won't follow you.
- I have another errand. if you don't mind. -I don't mind.
It'll give me a chance to thank you for what you did the other day...
...which. incidentally. was the worst day of my life.
- I find that hard to believe. -it's Thanksgiving.
I'm in a community where I know no one but my bartender.
My wife. God rest her soul...
...died three years ago to the day.
I am sorry to hear that.
But that is no excuse for criminal behavior.
Like your shoes...
...it's a miracle she lasted as long as she did.
Oh. jeez.
Look at these guys.
Look how cute they are. Look at them frolic like this.
I'm sorry. Mrs. Stubbs.
I miss my dog too.
They made me leave my dog behind. How you guys doing. huh?
They wouldn't let you take your dog?
He only answered to his name.
What was his name?
Fungole.
Need some help?
Yes. I would like a water turtle. and this gentleman...
...is interested in a dog.
Look at this guy.
I'm not really. It'll be along time before I can even be with another dog.
What are you doing? All right. come on. come on. There you go.
Oh. God.
I wish I could remember what the other one looked like.
The turtle died...
...and you're gonna pass another turtle off as the dead turtle, right?
Right.
Trust me. They all look alike.
That one.
Pretty bird.
Polly want a cracker?
It don't say. "Polly want a cracker.“
What do it say?
“You're under arrest.“
I once knew a guy had a parrot said that.
Yeah?
$2.04 with tax. Is that correct?
Right.
Thank you very much.
I think I'm gonna stay behind and get me a new dog.
Excellent. I'm very happy for you.
You dirty rat.
- Snitch. -Stool pigeon.
-Informer. -Squealer.
You dirty rat.
- I already said, "You dirty rat.“ -Yeah. but I say it better.
Johnny Bird!
- I thought you were dead. -That was the general idea.
- Billy Sparrow. -Tod Wilkinson.
That's a good one. Who's the dame?
An assistant DA I recently made the acquaintance of.
- They picked you up? -Misdemeanor.
They don't have misdemeanors here.
They just have felonies. Where's Linda?
She couldn't take it.
Jeez. I'm glad to see you. I was feeling so...
...alone.
You are not alone.
You are really not alone.
Barney. Barney. what a day! What a great day!
What are you doing here?
What do you mean what am I doing here? I live here.
I live here.
We gotta talk.
- What's the matter? You seem down. -I'm not down.
You look depressed. I'm gonna take you and buy you a drink.
I'm gonna buy you a Flying Zombo. That'll cheer you up.
I gotta talk to you.
I'm with you.
- I have a job. okay? -I'm with you.
My job is to protect you so you can testify at two major trials in New York...
...to send people to jail who are significantly more important than you.
- I'm with you. -When you testify...
...they'll try to destroy your credibility.
If you get into trouble here you'll make it easier for them to tear you down.
I'm with you.
So you cannot commit credit-card fraud.
Who says I committed credit-card fraud? How you doing?
We have pictures of it.
I'm trying to tell you. I'm with you.
When I say. “I'm with you." it's not an expression...
...like I'm saying. "I know what you mean.“
I mean. I'm with you.
I'm with the government.
- I'm undercover. -Who made you undercover?
- I did. -It doesn't work that way.
I'm ready to testify against this guy. we'll send him to jail.
I don't want you to testify. I just want you to keep your nose clean.
- You trying to say capisci? - Yeah.
Don't do it because it hurts my ears when you do it.
Just out of curiosity. where's your wife?
She got the chicken pox. It's terrible. She's in the hospital.
Really? Did you tell somebody she was dead?
Who told you this?
Okay. okay. maybe I said it.
She left me, Barney. She walked right out the door.
Yeah. well. my wife left me too.
- When did this happen? -In October.
That's when mine broke up.
What is it about October?
I don't know.
Pressure of Halloween? You never know what to go as.
That cute DA.
That's who I told.
Hey.
You and her. maybe?
Better chance of you and her than me and her.
No. Not my type. You know. I like them a little...
...I don't know. kind of dirty or something.
You ought to take her out.
- You ought to marry her. -I'm still married.
I know a guy who'll marry you anyway. I'll arrange the whole thing.
Do me a favor. Don't arrange anything. Don't do anything.
Just lay low until we get through in New York. Stay out of trouble.
I'm with you.
What's this?
Surprise!
Rocco Bamonte!
Peter Baker.
Peter Baker! That's fantastic!
Richie Paolucci.
No. no. no. Michael Peterson.
- I was your pallbearer. -Appreciate it, Vinnie.
- Vinnie! -Nicky the Fish!
What are you doing here. huh? You look fantastic.
- We're all here. -Hey!
- Dino! How are you? -Good. Vinnie. You look good.
I can't believe this.
What the frig is this?
A “Wilmer.
There's nothing in it.
Last week I drove 43 miles...
...to a restaurant I heard had good marinara sauce.
- How was it? -Please.
This is where you go when you die.
Everything's so clean.
Everybody's so nice.
If we were broke we'd really be miserable.
I'm broke.
But you get your check every week from the government, right?
How long do you think you get your check?
Forever.
Yeah?
Here's to forever.
What are you saying?
Read the fine print. They only send you the check till you testify.
Then they actually expect you to go to work.
Bastards. -Creeps.
What the hell? We might as well go into business.
There's enough of us here to start a crime wave.
Hold it.
Come on. come on. bring it in.
Hijacking.
- See you guys later. -Good night. Vinnie.
- Take care. Vin. -Have a good one. Vinnie.
Remember, no speeding.
Watch yourself.
We are not accusing you of anything but speeding at the moment. Mr. Wilkinson.
But I would like very much to know about the items in your trunk.
Which items?
Well. let's start with the cassette players.
- I know nothing about cassette players. -There were 40 of them in your trunk.
A guy I know won those in a contest.
They were part of a shipment that was hijacked four days ago.
No. that's terrible.
And the swordfish?
I know this guy. his whole life is fishing.
But he caught too many fish. so he asked me...
...would I keep some fish in my freezer?
But I don't have any room in my freezer...
...on account of another guy I know giving me a side of beef.
So he put the fish in my trunk while the weather's cold...
...unbeknownst to me.
Mr. Wilkinson.
Put the ball away and sit down!
- The books. -You got something against books?
I have nothing against books.
I'm curious about the books in your trunk.
You see...
...I was thinking of writing my story. so I bought this book on how to do it.
Why do you need 25 copies of it?
In case I want to read it more than once.
I'm sure it will not surprise you to learn that these books...
...were part of a shipment that was hijacked yesterday...
...on the way to B. Dalton's. -No!
Yes. Mr. Wilkinson--
How's the turtle. Mrs. Stubbs?
Fine. thank you.
Did your kids figure out you switched turtles on them?
Because I know it would be a major disappointment for them to find out.
- Did you have a warrant? -Barney.
This lady whacked a turtle. then pretended...
...a new one was the old one. -This man was in three major hijackings!
That's just on the basis of what we found in his trunk!
Did you have a warrant to search his trunk?
- No! -She didn't even have probable cause.
- You had no right to look in the trunk. -Jefferson put that in the Constitution.
- He didn't put it in for you! -I'm exactly the guy he put it in for.
- I admire your zeal. -Don't patronize me.
I'm the worst-case scenario of Thomas Jefferson's dreams.
This way.
Presumably. the statute of limitations on these crimes will not have run out--
I thought of advising this man to get involved with you...
...but now I can't because you are definitely losing your sense of humor.
- You can't touch him. -I can too!
If you ever had a sense of humor.
When you finish testifying. all bets are off.
Everybody thinks they have a sense of humor.
You commit so much as a misdemeanor. I'm gonna throw the book at you.
Okay. here's a test.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
What?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
See? No sense of humor whatsoever.
Something to drink? -I don't think so.
- Nothing? -No. thanks.
- Would you like something to drink? -Let me borrow that pen again.
What can I get you gentlemen to drink?
Ginger ale for me.
Two double Scotches. please.
We're only allowed to sell you two drinks. Two doubles is four drinks.
I see.
All right. how about this?
You sell me my double Scotch, and you sell my friend his double Scotch...
...but instead of putting his on his tray you put it on mine...
...and I'll pay you for both. By the way. you look fantastic in red and blue...
...Pam.
All right, then. That'll be $12.
Okay. and keep the change. please.
Oh. we're not allowed to accept tips.
Not allowed to accept tips.
- So your change is 8. Thank you. -Thank you.
- Can I get you something? -I'm fine.
- Would you like something? Sure? -No. Yeah.
Bye.
You tip a flight attendant?
I tip everybody. That's my philosophy.
See. actually. it's not tipping I believe in. it's overtipping.
See. I think this is the kind of thing people would like to know.
Give me that pen again.
Tomorrow morning you see the prosecutors.
I have an appointment with my tailor.
- You're meeting with the prosecutors. -Gaetano is expecting me at 10:00.
The next day you'll testify. after which we'll go back.
You're not to let anyone know you're in town.
You will telephone no one. If you see anyone looking--
- Vinnie! -Hey!
I don't believe this.
Nobody knows I'm here but them.
Mama.
Undo my cuffs so I can hug my own mother.
I can't do that. Vinnie.
Don't make me look like a criminal in front of my mother.
Barney.
I thought Wankel invented the rotary engine.
Excuse me. Vinnie? Vinnie?
Vinnie? Vinnie?
Where the hell were you all night?
Vinnie. we're late. We have an appointment downtown.
- You see what I mean? -Tragic.
Barney. Take a look at the two of us.
Take a look.
See. we don't match. You dress like this...
...you attract attention to me. That's dangerous.
Wait till you see this.
The worst.
It's a pair of socks.
Just try something different. Just try something different. Gaetano.
- I'm not interested. -Of course you're not. We know this.
If you were interested. we wouldn't be having this conversation.
No wonder your wife left you.
My wife didn't leave because of my socks.
The wardrobe is a symbol of how you are.
You follow me? Now. what do you think?
Barney. Barney. listen to me.
It's very hard for a human being to change. I know this.
I am an expert on this.
So sometimes in order for a human being to change...
...you have to change from the outside in.
You look beautiful. Come on.
Tomorrow, as the Provolone trial continues, the U.S. attorney's office...
...is expected in call Vincent Antonelli...
...one of the chief lieutenants to Gazzo until September, when he entered...
...the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Look how young I look in that picture.
- What do you want from room service? -Nothing.
You gotta eat something.
What I want is linguini at Bruno's.
A little linguini. a little scungilli.
Don't worry. I'll get some Italian food. Think I want to spend the night here?
I'd like to order room service for two people, please. Room 606.
Do you have any Italian food?
What does that Italian dressing come on. salad?
Fine. I'll take one of those. And what kind of pasta do you have?
Macaroni and cheese.
I'll take one of those. And what is this “chicken vol-au-vent“?
Can you make that without the silky cream sauce?
I just want it in the flaky pastry.
Okay. fine--
What are you doing?
Wrinkling up your jacket like you're wrinkling up your pants.
- What are you talking about? Why? -You bought a $1200 suit.
You come home. you hang up the jacket...
...but lay around in the pants. You're wrinkling the pants.
Give me your pants. I'll hang them up. Give me your pants!
What happens is the pants will need dry cleaning more than the jacket.
Soon you have a suit that doesn't quite match.
I should take this to the pressing machine.
Since we're staying in. order me the macaroni and cheese...
...and a little bottle of wine. I really don't want to drink too much.
Do I need change for the pressing machine?
No. They'll have change. I'll be back in five minutes, okay?
Vinnie! Vinnie!
Vinnie!
So we open up the truck. and what is there but 6000 watches.
So I think. "Great. 6000 watches.“ How you doing?
What I don't realize is that each of these watches is worth 10 grand.
- May I help you, sir? -I'm meeting somebody.
Make me the drink you made when Mary was shot. It was a Bloody Mary.
Vinnie!
Come here!
It's Louie Louie Vinchenzi from San Francisco!
What are you doing here?
This man is so fast he doesn't wear pants.
It slows him down. How was she?
Give me the suit right now. I can't believe you did this to me.
Do you want to have a good time or sit in the motel?
Eighteen percent on my credit card! I can't believe you did this!
I'll be paying it off for the rest of my life.
Champagne for everybody?
- What a fantastic guy! -Could've bought a VCR.
- I could've bought a new car! -Don't get him mad.
I can't believe you did this to me, Vinnie!
- Let's go. -Relax. this is my territory.
Back to the motel!
Hello. I want to show you something.
- See those guys? -Yes. I do.
If they find out you're FBI. we have a problem.
So. what'll it be?
The motel and TV. or drinking and girls?
- Know what I noticed about you? -What?
- You never look them in the eye. -Who?
Girls. You're a good-looking guy.
You're a better-looking guy than I am.
But I always look them in the eye.
Therefore. I'll always get laid more than you...
...which is fundamentally unjust. am I right?
You're into justice. This argument should appeal to you.
- Come here. -What?
Come here. Leave your celery.
Hi. girls. How you doing? My name's Vinnie. What's your name?
- Angie. how are you? What's your name? -Marie.
Marie. Marie.
Marie. I'd like you to meet my brother-in-law. Barney.
He invented the little valve doohickey on the artificial heart.
- Don't ask me to explain it. -Barney. what a great name.
They always say that even if your name is Marty.
- Now look her right in the eye. -Hi. Marie.
- Hi. Barney. -What do you say we all dance?
- Oh. Vinnie. no. I-- -Sure. you can.
- I really would rather not. -Come on.
Would you mind doing a little merengue for us?
Merengue. all right. Don't take it easy on her! Let's go!
Come on. Pull it up!
What are you doing? You're slouching.
You gotta stand up like this. That's right. Buckle the knees a little.
Move your hips.
Barney. put your hand here. like this. That's right.
Do it.
Now. watch this.
Do it. Do it!
Vinnie!
Hey. Barney.
Yeah. Vinnie.
Where'd you learn to shoot like that?
In the Bureau.
Reafly?
Yeah.
You saved my life.
We're in each other's debt forever.
That's so great!
Good night. Vinnie.
Good night. Barney.
And what happened then. Mr. Antonelli?
Mr. Capelli left the room.
Did Mr. Gazzo say anything at this point?
Mr. Gazzo said, "Kill the fart.“
I apologize. Your Honor. but that's what he said.
To whom was he speaking?
Sonny. Frankie. Richie. Al. the guys who were there.
And then they had a little eggplant Benny's mother made.
She puts capers in. which I personally think is a mistake.
And then they killed Nicky Capelli.
One behind the ear with a .22.
Richie loved to use .22s...
...because the bullets are small and don't come out the other end like a .45.
See. a .45 will blow a barn door out the back of your head...
...and there's dry cleaning involved.
But a .22 will just...
...rattle around like Pac-Man. you know. until you die.
Thank you. Mr. Antonelli.
You're welcome.
- Your witness. -Mr. Antonelli.
- Where exactly do you live? -Nowhere.
Objection. Mr. Levine knows perfectly well...
...the witness is not able to answer that question.
I withdraw the question.
You're in the Federal Witness Protection Program. is that correct?
- Yes. -You're living somewhere...
...under the protection of the federal government.
You agreed to testify against Mr. Gazzo and in exchange for this testimony...
...you've been given immunity. a nice house...
...and a weekly paycheck. Is that correct?
That's not all I get.
Well. perhaps you'd enlighten the jury...
...as to what else the government is giving you for this testimony.
Sure.
I get to never see my parents again...
...or my loved ones.
I get to live in a place...
It's okay. don't get me wrong. The air is clean.
The people are nice.
But for a guy like me...
...who was raised on the sidewalks of a city that never sleeps...
...it's a living hell.
There were times when I thought of giving up.
Particularly when my wife left me.
They gave us a nice house with flowers in front.
It made her sick.
But I made a deal with the government. so I'm here to tell the truth.
And If you think I'm saying that Mr. Gazzo killed Nicky Capelli...
...only because of the deal. you got a point.
But it's still the truth.
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
I don't know.
You can unscrew a light bulb.
- Michelle. a drink here for my friend. -Oh. I couldn't possibly.
Oh. come on. have a brandy. Monks make it.
Vinnie?
We'll have to work so hard next time we come to New York...
...so it won't be a letdown after this trip.
God. what a fabulous time I had!
Although I gotta admit. it'll be good to get back home.
I've been thinking. It makes no sense for you to have a problem with that DA.
Get off my back about the DA.
I'm not talking about romance. I'm just talking in general.
Why make war with a DA?
You gotta be out of your mind. especially in your line of work.
When you get back you ought to try and make peace with her.
You know. a little gesture to show you're a friendly guy.
Why make war? I mean. that's my philosophy anyway.
That's my philosophy.
Hey. Mr. Wilkinson!
Hi. kids. how you doing?
- Hi. Tod. -Hi. Tod.
Hi. Debbie. Hi. Brodie. What a day for a mow. huh?
Way to go. Coopersmith.
Hey. Coopersmith.
Morning. sir. You could use a little help yourself.
Who gave me this?
Hi. kids. my name is Tod. I'm a friend of your mom's from the office.
- Hi. I'm Jamie. -How do you do?
- I'm Tommie. -How you doing?
What are you doing here?
We have to leave right away. otherwise we'll miss batting practice.
- Oh. yeah! -Oh. yeah. let's go!
We can't g0. guys. Stop. we can't go.
Jvkzm! "WhY not?
Of course you can.
Parking is always a problem at the stadium...
...so I took the liberty. and I hope you don't mind. of hiring a limousine.
- Oh. yes! Oh. my gosh. -A limo. yes! Where is it?
Does it have a TV?
- Awesome! This is rad! -Oh. man!
- Awesome! -Oh. yes!
We can't possibly...
- Mom. -Why not?
Please. Mom?
Yeah. please?
Come on.
- Oh. thank you! Yes! -Yes! Yes!
- Hey. Mom. vodka! -Put that away right now.
We got any vodka? Hey. there you go. Hey. thanks a lot.
Are these good seats or what? Here's a program for you.
- Me! Hot dog! Yo! 446V. hey. hey.
Never take your wallet out at a ball game. Didn't your mother ever teach you this?
Put this away. All right. how many hot dogs do we want? Two each?
- Real men always have two. -All right!
And two for your mother. Over here. please.
I don't want a hot dog.
- She's probably on a diet. right? -Yeah.
My wife was always on a diet.
My mother used to say. "Be careful of women on diets...
...because they're always in a bad mood.“
She was right, because my wife walked out on me at the low point of my life.
- I thought your wife died. -I only wish.
Two. four. six hot dogs. please.
Keep the change on that. and remember this section.
Pass them down. Pass one to your mom.
Barney Cccpersmith. what a coincidence!
- What do you mean? You invited me. -it's an expression.
Okay. you go sit next to her.
Everything doesn't have to be a war with you J. Edgar Hoover types.
- Hi. -Hi.
The reason you never take your wallet out at a ball game...
...or anyplace else when you get down to it. is someone will steal it from you.
See. when you wave your wallet around...
...then they watch where you put it in your pocket.
And when you get up to go to the bathroom. they follow you...
...and they use a bumper. They always use a bumper.
Bump into your brother. This is how it works.
- You see that? Feel anything? -No.
Well. look at this. So always protect your wallet.
Play ball!
Padres! Padres! Padres!
What? He was safe!
Nice day. huh?
- All right! -Yeah. huh? How about that?
- You play baseball? -We play on the field behind the mall.
I know that field.
It's in bad condition though. Every time it rains we can't play for weeks.
A dome is what you need. The first Little League with a dome.
It's a worthwhile cause.
- You ought to raise money for it. -Yeah. sure.
It's a cocktail party for the law-enforcement personnel in San Diego.
Would you like to come with me?
Yes. I would.
I'll call you.
You know. it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen-food section.
Why's that?
Because you could melt all this stuff.
By the way...
...my name's Shaldeen.
Hi. Shaldeen.
- What's yours? -My name's Tod.
Tod. That's a beautiful name.
It's Italian for:
“Extra special.“
- Hello? - Hey, Barney, haw you doing?
What's going on, Vinnie?
I'm in Reno. I just got married!
- You got what? -Married.
Say hello to Shaldeen.
Shaldeen. say hello to Barney.
- Hi, Barney. - Hi. Shaldeen.
- Could you put Vinnie back on. please? -Sure.
- Bye. -You love her or what?
I don't understand. you're already married.
Don't worry. I didn't marry under my real name.
Vinnie gets on and I said. “You're already married.“
And he said. "Don't worry. I didn't marry her under my real name.“
- You gonna book him for bigamy? -No.
Hannah doesn't find him as funny as I do.
I see that it's funny.
I have a sense of humor.
Of course. Everyone thinks they have a sense of humor. even people who don't.
You look nice.
Thanks.
- Do you want to dance? -Oh. I'm a terrible dancer.
So am I. But I can do the merengue.
They're not playing the merengue.
They will.
Thank you.
She's a therapist.
He owns a lumberyard.
She left me for one of her patients.
He left me for someone I was in a car pool with.
Jamie. the 9-year-old. is the serious one.
So you know how it is with brothers. If one is serious. the other is funny.
That's how it was with me and my brother.
You're the serious one.
- I'm the funny one. -Really?
She moved to Wichita and I haven't seen her since.
I see him constantly.
He walks into the house without even knocking.
Would you like to come in for some coffee or something?
Well. if it won't wake up the kids.
The kids are at my mother's.
The kids are at your mother's?
Morning!
Guys?
- Hi. -Hey.
You want to come in this house. ring the damn bell!
I'm sorry. You mind getting the door? Thank you.
You chose the right agent, sir. Barney?
I've got you the assignment of your dreams!
You're going undercover. buddy. Congratulations.
We're launching a major sting operation tomorrow.
Step into my parlor. At 1300 hours.
Synchronize your watches. men. -We get to be Canadians!
I have the witness to look after until he appears in court.
He has one more court appearance--
- When is that? -In three weeks.
This is a very important assignment.
You'll be out as long as it takes. Four weeks, eight weeks, however long.
I'll make sure someone is assigned to your witness.
I assume he'll stay out of trouble.
In the meantime--
He just fell in love. sir. You know how it is when you fall in love.
Sir.
Undercover!
Undercover.
You can't even call?
You can't use the phone for anything not related to the job.
Someone could tap the phone. You could jeopardize the entire investigation.
But you just got here.
Okay. fellas. this is it.
Let's go.
All right. get this. You're Harry Redleaf. and you're Dicky Thorson.
You're from Vancouver and you're in town to buy stolen goods from a hijacking ring.
They'll be in touch when they're ready to fence the goods.
When will that be?
Not today. It'll be whenever it'll be.
Me and Barney sit here waiting?
That's right. And it'll be a lot easier...
...if you start referring to each other as Harry and Dicky.
So Dicky and me just sit here waiting?
I hate that name. I really hate that name.
Have a nice day at the office. honey.
See you later. darling.
Bye, honey.
Jesus. look at this shit!
Bring it back here!
Back it up!
Hold it.
- What the hell is this? -Where are the stereos?
How we gonna fence this shit?
What have you got?
We got two big spenders in town. we got nothing to sell them.
What the hell are we supposed to do with these?
How many of these we got?
See. you guys see a problem. I see potential.
Have a nice day.
How you doing? Would you mind leaving this bottle here...
...to raise money for the Little League?
Not at all.
- Have a nice day. -Thank you.
Hi. kids.
I'll see you next week.
Lost track of how long we've been in here.
Give us a clue. Give me some idea.
I don't know. We lost contact temporarily.
What are we supposed to do? I'm wasting the best years of my life.
Hey. look. you know. I got a wife and a family I'm not with. Dicky.
But you don't hear me complaining.
You call me Dicky one more time and I'll kill you.
Thank you.
- Hi. Tod. -Hi. Tod.
Hi. Tommie. Hi, Jamie.
What's all that money for?
I don't know. Race you!
- I'm first! -I'm first!
- Hey. guys. what can I do for you? -I don't know yet.
- That looks good. -Gotta look around.
That looks really good.
Take your time.
- I'll get chocolate chip. - Coming up.
Okay-duke.
-It's a dollar, right? -One dollar.
Chocolate chip.
- You want the cone or what? -I changed my mind.
Sorry.
Maybe they'll put in night lights!
No. I bet he's gonna put in a dome. And Astroturf.
Mom. you should have seen the money in the bottle. There was trillions.
And it was our idea.
Not exactly our idea. but we told him how awful the field was and everything.
He might even put in bleachers. And Astroturf.
- I can't believe this. -Maybe even a dome.
All right.
The first time in my life I try to do something for someone...
...give back a little. repay my debt to society...
...and you arrest me for it.
He might be telling the truth.
It was all for the community. I swear on my mother's life. Let me do this.
I live here.
This is my home.
For better or for worse. I love it here.
You were going to give the money to the community. weren't you?
Yes. Yes!
He was going to give the money to the community. When?
- When? -When were you going to give the money?
When I had all of it, obviously.
Listen. Mrs. Stubbs-
Over here.
Against the wall. sir.
I'm a new man.
This is not the old me.
This is the new me.
He seems like a completely different person.
He seems totally different.
Anyway. I'm not your problem.
You have major crime going on right here under your nose.
You're wasting your time with me. I'm nothing. I'm small potatoes.
What I could tell you about what's going on around here if I wanted to...
-it's big. -Come on. buddy.
What if he's telling the truth? At least listen to him.
Okay. What?
Two of the biggest fences in North America are sitting right here in Fryburg...
...ready to make a deal on everything in town that isn't nailed down.
They're looking to buy a ton of swag and ship it out of here in boxcars.
Hannah.
Are you trying to make a deal with me?
I don't know. Am I?
There's no deal if they're not here.
- They're here. -if he said they're here. they'll be here.
Yeah. Harry Redleaf and Dicky Thorson.
From Vancouver.
Did I tell you they were from Vancouver or not?
- Let's go. -First left out the door.
Here you go. thank you very much.
They never leave the room.
They just sit there like they waiting on something.
Did I tell you or did I tell you?
What about male customers?
They all watch Oprah Winfrey.
- Police! -Police!
Police! Freeze!
You're under arrest.
Bastard.
You bastard!
I swear, I had no idea. For once I'm telling the truth.
The deal is off!
I'm arresting you for a scam moneymaking scheme to build a Little League park.
And furthermore, I'm indicting you under your real name.
Cuff him!
He has to testify again in New York in three days.
He won't make it now because by tomorrow this'll be in the paper.
Within a day every hit man in America will be here.
I seriously doubt that.
- Would you like to bet? -I never bet when I'm sure I'm right.
You can't have done much betting since you've only been wrong once.
Twice.
Hannah.
- There you are. -Barney!
Thank God! You gotta get me out of this mess.
That's the way it's been your whole life.
You spill your milk and somebody else cleans it up.
I'm not cleaning up your mess this time.
Hey. Barney. lighten up.
Lighten up? Is that your solution? That it's somebody else's problem?
You steal a swordfish and Hannah should lighten up?
You scam money from Little League and the community should lighten up?
Hannah turns against me and I should lighten up?
Barney.
I've upset you. I'm sorry.
What kind of a jail is this?
I don't like to use this bathroom so I use the one in the office.
-Isn't there a guard? -Everything all right. Vinnie?
Oh. Jimmy. Yeah. no problem. Thanks.
Come on in. Come on in.
Sit down.
You have a pillow with your name on it?
Yeah. Crystal made that for me. It's nice. isn't it?
Hey.
At least you never got involved with her. I can't believe I suggested it.
Don't you understand? I'm in love with Hannah.
And now she hates me and it's all your fault.
I'm so pissed at you! I'm really pissed. okay?
Okay.
Why is it my fault?
You are a blight on this community and I put you here. so she blames me.
Barney. I am sorry.
- Yeah. right. -I am. No. really. I am.
I owe you.
I mean. you saved my life that night in New York.
I could never shoot at anyone. I never touched a gun in my life.
It doomed me forever to middle management and that's the truth.
I should do something. What could I do?
Vinnie. don't do anything. Please stop doing things.
- I have to make a phone call. -Now what?
I am entitled to make a phone call. am I not?
Oh. jailer?
Should I use the office line or the one in the coffee room?
Our position...
...is that we be permitted to hold Mr. Antonelli without bail.
Every day he is on the streets he commits a crime.
While that may be all right in New York where people are used to it...
...here in Fryburg every citizen is a victim.
- Hear. hear! -That's right!
Mr. Coopersmith.
Your Honor, speaking for the FBI...
...our position is that Mr. Antonelli must not spend another night in jail.
His life is in danger.
He must be protected so he can testify in New York.
Therefore we ask that you grant bail and release him in our custody.
Your Honor, this is exactly what the FBI does.
It pretends this man is in danger...
...when no one cares about him one bit.
There's all this melodrama. as if a bunch of cartoon hit men...
...in white-on-white ties are gonna walk in the door...
...and try to kill him.
Obviously this is a preposterous scenario.
- A paranoid fantasy-- -Duck!
Duck!
Hannah! Get down! Get down!
You okay?
Move! Cover the stand!
I gotta get out of here.
Follow me.
- Get going. Coopersmith! -Vinnie!
Where is he? Vinnie!
It's all right. everybody. They're gone.
- Use my car. -Great.
- Oh. take my keys. -Thanks.
Take my gun.
You saved my life.
I'm in your debt forever. That's how it works.
Take me!
Get in.
Just pretend I'm your hostage.
I can't believe it. You're actually building this.
- Yo. Vinnie! Yo. look at that! -Hey. Vinnie!
Hey. Dino! Nicky! Benny!
Looking good. Looking good.
- Mom. they're making us a field! -A whole field!
- I know. Okay. hold on a sec. -it's huge. Look at this. Okay.
Hannah! Hannah. isn't he wonderful?
Why didn't you tell me about this ballpark when I arrested you?
What. and ruin the surprise?
You didn't say anything about this ballpark...
...because there was nothing to say.
You arranged all this from jail...
...to avoid prosecution for embezzlement.
Now. that hurts...
...because this was my intention from the very beginning.
The children needed a ballpark and I responded.
See...
...I know how it feels to be disappointed.
When I was 7 years old, no. 8...
...all I wanted for Christmas was a new red bicycle.
My favorite uncle. Uncle Alfresco...
...swore to me that he would buy me that bicycle.
I counted the days until Christmas.
Five o'clock Christmas morning. I run down--
Nobody move!
This is just between Vinnie and us.
Guys. I'm in the middle of an anecdote.
Come over here and no one will get hurt.
Okay. Okay.
Kids. move back out of the way. Everybody just get out of the way.
- Nice action. -Thanks.
- I thought you didn't know-- -I lied. Now. where was I? Oh. yes.
Five o'clock Christmas morning I run downstairs and look under the tree.
And what do I find?
Uncle Alfresco dead on the floor...
...shot through the back of the head.
Plus. no bicycle.
It was a disappointing Christmas on many levels.
So you can accuse me of many things...
...but never for one moment...
...did I intend to rip off these beautiful children.
Isn't that right. Barney?
Yeah. Vinnie told me about this Little League thing months ago.
And the only reason I didn't mention it...
...was because it was supposed to be a surprise for the kids.
Do you expect me to believe this?
Yes. I do.
How about it?
Nice. Very nice.
Hey. hey! Now. when you guys are laying this sod...
...remember. green side up. Green side up. Okay.
Hey. Crystal. I want to show you this. Now. what's gonna happen here...
Got ice-cold soda!
Hot dogs!
Car radios!
Peanuts! Peanuts! CDs!
Get your cannolis. zeppoli!
Get your copy of the new bestseller. Haw I Gut Here:
Adventures in a Life of Crime and Punishment.
Autographed by the criminal himself. You gonna read it or buy it?
I can't believe I'm back in this town again.
I must be working out bad karma or something.
I know what you mean.
Who'd have thought we'd each have two husbands in a row...
...in the Federal Witness Program?
- But you know. this-- -Here. sweetie.
Let's have a good game.
- Hey. umpire! -Yeah.
I got a little proposition to make to you.
- V\!hat? -T he Fryburg T urtles .
They're gonna win.
And now. Fryburg City Council's Man of the Year...
...Mr. Vincent Antonelli...
...will throw out the first ball.
Hey. all right. all right.
Thank you.
Vinnie! Vinnie! Vinnie!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hey. come here. kids. Come on. Come.
Whoa. look at these guys. Looking good!
How about that?
Merengue!
Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
Hey. Crystal. how's our little one?
Turtles all the way!
Play ball!
You know. sometimes I even amaze myself.
Adapted by: SDI Media Group
[ENGLISH]